Remembering Papa

Yesterday I took Amelia to Pizza Hut for lunch. It was my day off and we had been out during the morning, and I thought a mommy/daughter pizza lunch would be nice. We were sitting there munching on pizza, pears and peaches - how about all the "P" words?

As we read one of her books, we digressed a bit, as usual, on some random subject. This time it was different words that start with a certain letter. As usual our repertoire started with "D" which is for Daddy and Dodah and dangerous, which is one of her favorite words. It's something we tell her as we attempt to reason with a 2-1/2 year old, as in "Sit down in your chair. Amelia, please don't stand, it's dangerous." We moved onto "G" is for Grandma and "N" is for Nana. Then we got to "P" and I told her it was for pear, since she was eating one at the time. That didn't seem to resonate with her, so I said, "And P is for Papa."

Now, I haven't talked much about Papa since he died. Part of it is grief - it really bothers me that she will not ever see him again except in pictures, not make any more memories, not know his voice. And part of it is not wanting to give her artificial memories by talking about him. I've hoped that she might hear someone coughing and say something about Papa, but she hasn't. She has pointed him out in pictures at our house and at Nana's, so I know she does remember who he is.

So when I said, "P is for Papa," she said, "Papa. Grandma and Papa." And I said, "Yes, Grandma and Papa," and was pleased she remembered those two went together. (Unfortunately Nana's counterpart, Grandfather, died before Amelia was even conceived.) Then she said, "Have fun with Papa at hompsital." !!! It's been six months since we were there with him! I asked her what kind of fun she had with him at the hospital, wondering if she would remember playing with the balloon she had brought him, or laughing at his toes, but she instead moved onto other things. And that's okay.